Category: "Veteran Today"

The Deadly Sin of War

Men have been at war for centuries, a non-stop struggle over power or territory. Regardless of the outcome, the residual effects of war can be summarized into various categories. There is the cost in money, time, changes to government structure and human suffering, both civilian and military. We do not discuss civilian casualties in any form, other than footnotes in history books and passing editorials for newspapers and television nowadays.

The seriousness of mental stress to the military has been an ever ongoing saga of lack of understanding in the past to today’s environment where every doctor or PhD out there needs to create a acronym to achieve history for himself as he or she applies it to some clinical ailment.

The seriousness of mental fatigue in battle is as old as time. Most leaders realized that over time, even the most battle harden men needed to be removed from the frontline because of nervous breakdowns, which in past days, was often contagious.

“When thou goest out to battle against thine enemies, and seest horses, and chariots, and a people more than thou... the officers shall say, What man is there that is fearful and fainthearted? Let him go and return unto his house, lest his brethren's heart faint as well as his heart. “ (King Jame's Version )

“The term posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) has become a household name since its first appearance in 1980 in the third edition of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-lll) published by the American Psychiatric Association, In the collective mind, this diagnosis is associated with the legacy of the Vietnam War disaster. Earlier conflicts had given birth to terms, such as “soldier's heart, ” “shell shock,” and “war neurosis.” The latter diagnosis was equivalent to the névrose de guerre and Kriegsneurose of French and German scientific literature. This article describes how the immediate and chronic consequences of psychological trauma made their way into medical literature, and how concepts of diagnosis and treatment evolved over time. (National Center for Biotechnology Information)

All the way throughout time, these symptoms were recognized, but the concept of treating mental issues remained a mystery. For those who lost mental stability, the likelihood of being sent to a mental institution was the likely outcome for the most challenged cases. Regardless of what it was called then, society and our government finally had to come to grips with the concept of war and what it was doing to the frontline soldiers. The earliest attempts in modern times to understand the stresses of war was portrayed in the movie Captain Newman, M.D. played by Gregory Peck. It took place in 1944 and as an army doctor in charge of a neuropsychiatric ward at an Army Air Corps hospital in Arizona, where he dealt with many tough cases, all related to stress from the battle field.

Note: Some great reading about this issue can be found here: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181586/

Almost everyone you know who fought in Vietnam could claim PTSD issues. For most of us, we have been able to deal with our war thoughts through, what has been described as, self-medicating. This term means we have had the mental toughness to work about our mental war distractions having to learn to live with them as opposed to hiding or running from them. We are not under doctor’s care as some might need and which is certainly ok if that is where intervention does one good. Recently, because  of Iraq and Afghanistan, everyone noticed the surge in PTSD cases and for myself, I wondered why? Was our military growing weak on mental toughness and was this a generational thing, a cultural issue or what? I don’t have an answer to that one, just the observation.

This recent discover has driven many a Vietnam Vet to go to the VA and ask the same questions that the Iraq/Afghanistan veteran has been asking. The question is really more about “why now” for those of us many years past the point of the war being over for us. It can best be summed up by my good friend who served in 1st Plt at the same time I did. He’s dealing with PTSD issues and this is what his doctor shared with him.

“My psychologist told me that many of us coming home from Nam that are lucky enough to have loved ones, careers or whatever became busy or distracted by working, raising families and generally grounding themselves into society did not have a priority of trying to parse the non-experience. It was only later after the family were mature in the careers were winding down that we realized how impactful Nam was to us. I found that to be true in my case. Even though I had thoughts of Nam most of my adult life. I believe that was most true for 11 Bravo’s. Anyway am very glad that I have reconnected with some of Charlie company at this point my life”

For those of us who have dealt with PTSD, we need to be alert and a sounding board for those veteran friends who are still unaware that they have all the signs of mental duress. If your buddy is willing to listen, and help point him to VSO officer so he can file a claim with the VA. He will undergo a psychological evaluation and questioning to determine the depth of his PTSD issues and a path forward for treatment and possible compensation. In most cases, as a vet with a CIB and Purple Heart, it will be difficult for the VA to deny your claim.

Unfortunately, those of us seeing relief from the VA in many states are denied the very same claims easily approved by other states. Don't give up! If you're not successful with the organization you are using, try another or even go to another state and apply. I find it confusing and difficult to accept that at a national level, the VA , from state to state uses different metrics to apply the same standard of definitions it uses for determining the outcome of a claim. Do your homework and understand what you are filing a claim for and what it is that the VA is using as a guide in accepting or denying your claim. Check out this website, specifically "38 CFR Part 4 Schedule for rating disabilities"  and good luck: https://www.benefits.va.gov/COMPENSATION/resources-regulations.asp.

Growing Old

For all of us time is marching on and for some it has been a good ride. However, as the saying goes, there is always two sides to a story. I wish I had the ability and cooperation of everyone who reads my stories to provide feedback on the conclusions I draft from time to time. We have breached the 50 year anniversary of either entering the military, being located in Vietnam, or have celebrated our return from our tour of duty. There is an offical Federal government mandated program to honor the Vietnam veteran called the Vietnam War Commeration (https://www.vietnamwar50th.com/) which is intended to celebrate the period between 1965 to 1972 (I could be wrong on the dates) 50 years later. You can get a commeration pin through this website as well. I got one when we visited Patriot's Point in Charleston, SC last year.

The point I am slowly getting to, is how we utilitzed our time after we left the military behind. I realize I have to account for those who remained in the service and likely retired from it. But thinking back, most of us tossed our military paraphernalia in the closet and slammed the door. Most of us did the same thing to our basic and AIT friends and eventually, our closest foxhole or bunker buddies. Why not? We were back in the "world" now and life must go on. Except, for many life remained the same, locked in a time warp of whatever your DEROS dates were.

Whatever experience you have had over time, I can guarantee you reflected on someone from your military past and wondered what ever happened to JOE BLOW? At what point did you decide to do something about that question or did you choose to just gloss over that mental thought and trudge on with life? For me, it took close to 35 years before I actively started to find answers to those questions. The easy answer for most prior to the advent of the internet was "where do I start" to find my best friend. It was not an easy task, but the internet, that was the golden goose of information. Maybe not a first, but over time as the wealth of information began to coalasce into a viable source, doors opened.

My first contact with the past was through Elmer Lightner, who was in 1st platoon, I was in third. It seemed every time orders were cut, there was Krause, then Lightner listed. But we discovered each other by leaving bread crumbs as we referred to them, our email addresses on various military sites hoping to find someone out there to connect to. We managed to email back and forth for the better part of 6-7 years before one of us said "this is stupid, I should call him" and off to the races we went. After that initial call, we both wondered what would be next.

I started using my imagination using various search engines in the internet and started to zero in on people I really wanted to find, to seek out and to see if they were still alive and what were they doing. If I was lucky in finding them, would they respond in kind? How should I do this "first contact"? Was  a cold call the answer or should I write and leave the response up to them. What would their reaction be to seeing a letter from one of their old military buddies? The answers to these questions varied, but as you may have experienced, they were every where from "hell no, I'm not bring all that up again" to "I've been trying to find you too".

All this has been good for me, finding my lost buddies, for those who wanted to reunite and I get that other part for those who were polite and said "hello, good to hear from you, yes I'm fine, now leave me alone". You could tell about this later group because they won't answer emails or their phones anymore. OK, at least the effort was made and I know they are still here in the present form. But, then, there are the discoveries of those who have left us prior to locating them. We have lost a number of guys from the effects of that war, whether it's been Agent Orange issues or problems from sustained injuries. We will never know.

My procrastination in locating more of the guys I served with, has more than once bit me on the ass. For years I wondered what happened to Russell Zimmerman, who was in my squard for the better part of seven months. He was a good kid but kinda hard to interact with. He did his job and had his own group of people to hang with during the down times when we got to hang back and rest. I would search for him, make phone calls etc, then stop the search for awhile. During these times, as I managed to bring guys together to go to reunions, our own and sometimes larger ones like the 25th Div Association, I wouldn't think about the guys like Russell, until the next reunion.

Growing Old

Once again I put my detective hat on and made another run to find Russell. The first contact indicated I had found a Zimmerman, a vet, but he served in Germany, but had also passed away a number of years ago. I went back into my records and looked at one of my promotion orders which happened to also list Russell. I was looking for his middle initial which was "L". This bit of information allowed me to locate two more Zimmermans which I sent off letters to with pictures etc. Bingo, I heard back from Pam Zimmerman who said "you have the right Zimmerman". I called her and had a nice chat only to discover that Russ had passed away two years earlier (2/2017) from lung cancer. I was disappointed with myself for not following through with my pursuit to find him. She said he talked often about Vietnam and rattled off some names, Tassen, Coleson, Tostado, Wales and myself. I asked her if she thought he might have wanted to go to a reunion had he been contacted earlier and she indicate yes.

The whole point to this story is that the longer we wait to find someone the greater the risk NOW, is that they may have left us while we dilly-dalleyed in our quest to connect back with them. The bottom line is that there ends up being two losers when the outcome could have been a happy reunion on the phone or face to face. What's your story?

 

Vietnam - A New Beginning

Posted for SSG Terry Corum - C Co, 3rd Plt, 7/68-7/69
 
 

NAMES     ALLIANCES     MEMORIES

I remember when I first arrived in Vietnam.  The plane landed and as I got off I was so unaware of the magnitude of where I was.  I loaded on the bus headed to a chapter of my life that would be life changing.  You go through orientation and then you are finally assigned to a unit, that you will belong to forever.  I got to Charlie Company, located in the middle of nowhere without a clue as to where I belonged or who I would become.  They tell you in orientation to listen to the guys who have been in country and you will be okay.  I took that advice and slowly but surely I started to feel like I knew where I was and who I was.  The names and faces started to give me comfort and a feeling of belonging.  I remember the first name and face that gave me guidance and a sense of belonging, Barry Price. Barry always seemed to have a smile on his face and a laugh ready to come out.  Time would pass and other names and faces would be a part of my everyday life.  Suddenly, a day I never wanted to happen, we lost some of those names and faces that were a part of our family.  I had mixed feelings, disbelief, helplessness, and regret.  The names and faces now have a very different impact on me.

Time passes and now it is time to go back to “The world.”  I board the plane and my thoughts are all about getting home.  I arrive home ready to begin my life.  I have a new daughter that was born one month after I arrived in Vietnam. I am so excited about being a Dad and being back with my family.  I spend years thinking everything is normal.  I become an alcoholic. I am divorced with two children. I meet my second wife, now of forty one years. I finally realize my drinking problem and now am sober for twenty years. 

Vietnam - A New Beginning

One of my daughters and her family were going to Washington D.C. for vacation and they wanted me to go with them to see “the wall.” I agreed and it was life changing!

Vietnam - A New Beginning

I touched the “names” Stepsie and Beltran.  I totally broke down and now realized what the names and faces were all about “memories.”  I was on line looking for info from the Wall and saw a website for 2/12/warriors.  I went to the web and found a familiar name “Krause.”  I immediately called the number and the voice on the other end responded “so where have you been?”  This started “the new beginning!” 

I attended the 2/12th 25th reunion in Gatlinburg and found myself involved again with the guys who, in the past, were names and faces. The regret I have about being in Nam is not knowing those names and faces more on a personal level. I feel that now I have the opportunity to do this. I believe God has a plan for all of us  and He is still working on me. I want all the guys I was with in Nam to know that I carry you in my mind and heart daily.  I have found so much peace and fulfillment with this new beginning. I intend to continue trying to get to know all the names and faces that I so dearly love.  I want to thank my very good friends, Arnold and Hiram, for helping me make this new beginning.

Your brother forever,

Terry Corum  

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Getting Answers about a fallen 3/22nd member

Here we are, almost 50 years since the Battalion first arrived in Vietnam and the questions just keep on coming. Out of the blue, a month or so ago, I get a email from Bert Allen, who served with the 1/8th Artillery at FSB Pershing.This is just one more example of how little the information was that was given to familes of fallen soldiers, practically none, unless in came from a fellow soldier or perhaps an officer.

He wrote to me "Lt. Dunlap was KIA the first week of February, '68. He was with 3/22 Inf.  His sister, now in her late '70's, is trying without success to find information about the incident - an ambush on the hwy coming northwest from the southeast toward Cu Chi.  Can you advise me on directing her to sources that might inform her?

My reply, "Bert, There is little to go on. Only the 22nd Society has a website which I sent off an inquiry to see if they would respond to the question on Dunlap. Military.com can be tried, but they list only a few vets from that time and I couldn't find anything on togetherweserved.com.  Will see if the 22nd responds. There is a B &C Co 3/22nd website but I doubt that would help at all. -----

 Just found a website for Delta 3/22nd but it looks like they haven't done anything with it since 2013. Will attempt to contact them to see if they are still active.......

So what do you think happens. Of all the chances in the universe, my message sent to Delta 3/22nd gets a reply. I send a message back to Bert "Please forward the attached message to Ray’s sister. It’s from Jerry Giahnnopoulos, who served under Lt Dunlap and knows his story. She is free to call him to get the details of her brother’s service.

Bingo, what luck. I find a guy who has served with Lt Dunlap. Well, some time goes by and I finally hear from Bert after sending him a nudge to see if anything came of the contact information. Bert replies "Sarge, You and your contacts are a blessing to Bonnie and her husband.  She will be able to take another major step forward in her search. Thus far the search has netted few bits about her brother's life & death in 3/22. Regards, Bert.

The reply from Jerry about his contact with Bonnie and her husband Bob -  ' "Bob, attached is a map of where Ray was KIA.  Ap Cho is highlighted and I placed an x where Ray was KIA. You will have to enlarge the jpeg to see the x next to the A in Ap Cho. On the phone I told you Ray was KIA around eleven thirty but according to the AAR it seems to be around one thirty.

 On the morning of the sixth our platoon was going along Hwy. 1 and through the villages.  Just after going through the whole strangely empty village Ray had called our CO for where to go next.  We were at a ARVN Compound at the end of the village.  Ray's orders were for his point platoon to turn back around and go back through the village.  Me and Dave Conte were point going back through, after going through five or six hooch's I was leaving one when I walked out and seen a NVA (North Vietnamese Regular) about fifteen feet in front of me getting ready to shoot me in the face.  I fired with my M-60 about a belt of ammo and all hell broke loose.  Ray was about forty to fifty feet behind me and Dave and Dave ran to Ray when we heard he was wounded.

 I was to protect the area I was in while Dave went to see Ray and who else was wounded.  Since my area was no longer under fire I went to help Dave. Ray's Radio man Cunningham had three bullet holes in his arm and Ray was wounded taking his radio off of him.  Ray had a bullet wound to the lower abdomen and was bleeding severely. The medic Ray Hodges said he couldn't do anything for Ray.  He was bleeding internally and he said it was an abdominal aorta. Ray never made any response when me and Dave moved him.

The medic then bandaged Dave Harrod and while bandaging Cunningham he was shot in the head and died.  John Petrillo the grenadier (M-79) was also killed within seconds of the next wave of rounds being fired. I went back to my position and Dave went to see the CO Captain Monahan to get some air support. Frenchy Gibeault the helicopter pilot flew several passes dropping smoke to give us cover to evacuate the dead and wounded.

 That wasn't the end of the day...things went on through out the late evening and we were in that village until the 20th of February.

Bert's last message to me after this contact took place "Sarge, this is the result of you linking LT Dunlap's sister & brother-in-law to Jerry Giannopoulos of D/3/22.  I appreciate your role in the resurrecting for them details of Raymond Dunlap's last days and hours.  And they heard/read that he was cared for her brother.  It is difficult to grasp that this occurred 48 years ago the first week of February.  I buy Savane Khakis and Asics running shoes at the VA canteen store; both pants & shoes are manufactured in Vietnam.  I think of all of our brothers killed and wounded badly in Vietnam and wonder about their deaths and injuries in light of the world moving on so quickly. Regards, Bert

My final response to this, ironic as it seems - "Bert - Thanks for the feedback and glad all worked out. I know for some surviving relatives, the unknown has haunted them and we (Army) did very little to inform them in detail, what happed to their loved ones. Some just want acknowledgement that they did their job, were respected, and continue to be remembered.  Odd, but on the map where Ap Cho was, is the same area, that I laagered with the 2/22 and 3/22 during the month of May, 68 when my company, C Co was sent down to Trang Bang where we were made into three teams, comprised of a company from 3/22, one from 2/22 and ours. We had a team at Go Da Ha, one below Trang Bang and mine, down at those cross roads just above Ap Cho. We provided security and road sweeps on Hwy 1, then afterwards would do recon and RIF's off the road. Being OPCON'D to 2/22 lasted about three weeks then we were returned to Dau Tieng.

 Arnold

So strange how paths criscross over time, even on the other side of the world. Anyway, it sure was a honor to have been able to provide some assistance and to bring some closure to a family member. - Sarge

 

 

 

Lost in our own minds

Some years back I watched a show on TV and there was this man attempting to explain to his audience what the difference is between a woman and man’s mind and how we think and is really going on it there. I think he wanted to describe how we process, access and store information, view memories, perform tasks, that kind of thing.

By now everyone knows the story line of how women are multitaskers and men are simple minded, how we plod along with just one idea in our heads while our wives juggle 5-10 things all at the same time. How often has your girlfriend, spouse or other close female friend asked you “what are you thinking?” and your immediate reply was “nothing, nothing at all”. This reply usually is received with a skeptical response, even one of a challenging nature.

The host of the show addressed his audience as he walked across the stage to a stand which held the head and shoulders of a man with his brain exposed. “This is what goes on in a man’s mind”, he said. We, men that is, have one rule, a rule we never violate. You see, a man’s mind is made up of many, many drawers. These drawers store our thoughts and each drawer can only hold one thought at a time. For example, we have a drawer for our wife, sex, work, food, sports, children, entertainment, etc. The list is endless because we need a drawer for every interest we have as men. We don’t mingle our drawers. In fact that rule I was referring to is that we can only have one drawer open at a time. This rule for some is how we have kept past experiences such as Vietnam so tightly locked away. We like it that way. No reason to remember stuff, just keep the drawer closed and we will be fine, happy even with our lives you see. Why, we even have a “nothing” drawer. That’s the one we usually have open most of the time when someone asks us “what are you thinking about” and we tell them “nothing”.

The women on the other hand, have the same drawers with a different rule. They are allowed to have as many drawers open as they want. That’s why your wife heads down the hall to the bedroom to collect the laundry only to return with the house plant that needs watering, or why the vacuum cleaner is laying on the carpet while she is checking her email, which leads to paying the bills, and “where did I leave them” that brings her into the kitchen where she notices the dishes need to be washed. They usually have a whole number of things going on at the same time. It’s also why with our “one dog, one bone” approach we start a project and finish it before we start another. For the wife, with all those drawers open, there is an overloaded electrical grid attempting to keep from overheating and suffering a major meltdown. There’s just too much going on which leads to her frustration at times and which we manage to push her ‘hot’ button.

Maybe, in a way, how women think is a good thing. Their minds are kept busy, while ours drifts back over old territory as we wander around in our head, opening and closing drawers, and all the while reaching for that drawer marked “Vietnam”, but for some just not quite ready to pull on the handle, even some 50 years later. Are we better off leaving the drawer closed while we avoid the past, or can we move on while embracing the good and back experiences of our youth? We have many drawers to choose from, but the one with the “blue light special” continues to flash and grab our attention saying “open me”. A much easier task for some than others and likely, a yardstick of the level of PTSD we all deal with, admittedly or not.

Coins left on Tombstones

I’m sure that you may have seen this message circulated via email lately. What started out as a brilliant idea as a post to this blog has turned into a different story. Here’s the post that is circulating: Is it fact or fiction?

COINS LEFT ON TOMBSTONES

While visiting some cemeteries you may notice that headstones marking certain graves have coins on them, left by previous visitors to the grave.

These coins have distinct meanings when left on the headstones of those who gave their life while serving in America's military, and these meanings vary depending on the denomination of coin.

A coin left on a headstone or at the grave site is meant as a message to the deceased soldier's family that someone else has visited the grave to pay respect. Leaving a penny at the grave means simply that you visited.

A nickel indicates that you and the deceased trained at boot camp together, while a dime means you served with him in some capacity. By leaving a quarter at the grave, you are telling the family that you were with the soldier when he was killed.

According to tradition, the money left at graves in national cemeteries and state veterans cemeteries is eventually collected, and the funds are put toward maintaining the cemetery or paying burial costs for indigent veterans.

In the US, this practice became common during the Vietnam war, due to the political divide in the country over the war; leaving a coin was seen as a more practical way to communicate that you had visited the grave than contacting the soldier's family, which could devolve into an uncomfortable argument over politics relating to the war.

Some Vietnam veterans would leave coins as a "down payment" to buy their fallen comrades a beer or play a hand of cards when they would finally be reunited.

The tradition of leaving coins on the headstones of military men and women can be traced to as far back as the Roman Empire.

Well, I went and checked Snopes.com to see if they had anything on this subject and this is what I found as quoted from Snopes.They say this is only partial true.

From Snopes.com: Humans have been leaving mementos on and within the final resting places of loved ones almost from the beginning of the species. Excavations of even the earliest graves uncover goods meant to serve the deceased in the next world, such as pottery, weapons and beads.

The earliest known coins date to the late seventh century B.C. As societies began embracing monetary systems, coins began being left in the graves of its citizens merely as yet another way of equipping the dear departed in the afterlife.

Mythologies within certain cultures added specific purpose for coins being left with the dead. In Greek mythology, Charon, the ferryman of Hades, required payment for his services. A coin was therefore placed in the mouth of the dear departed to ensure he would ferry the deceased across the rivers Styx and Acheron and into the world of the dead rather than leave him to wander the shore for a hundred years. In England and the U.S., pennies were routinely placed on the closed eyes of the dead, yet the purpose for that practice was not clear — some say it was to keep the eyes of the corpse from flying open, yet the eyes, once shut by the person laying out the body, do not reopen.

In these more modern days, coins and other small items are sometimes discovered on grave markers, be they plaques resting atop the sod or tombstones erected at the head of the burial plot. These small tokens are left by visitors for no greater purpose than to indicate that someone has visited that particular grave. It has long been a tradition among Jews, for example, to leave a small stone or pebble atop a headstone just to show that someone who cared had stopped by. Coins (especially pennies) are favored by others who wish to demonstrate that the deceased has not been forgotten and that instead his loved ones still visit him.

 Sometimes these small remembrances convey meaning specific to the person buried in that plot. For more than twenty years, every month someone has been leaving one Campbell's tomato soup can and a pocketful of change on the plain black granite tombstone that marks the grave of Andy Warhol. The soup can is easy to explain, given Warhol's iconic use of that commodity in his art, but the handful of change remains a bit of a mystery. In similar vein, visitors often leave pebbles, coins and maple leaf pins at the grave of Canadian Prime Minister Lester B. Pearson, the man who replaced Canada's Red Ensign with the Maple Leaf flag.

Regarding the 'tradition' of soldiers leaving on the headstones of fallen comrades varying denominations of coins to denote their relationship with the deceased, the earliest reference to this practice we've found so far dates only to June 2009, when it appeared as a web site post. The version now commonly circulated in e-mail appears to have been drawn from it, albeit some changes have slipped in, such as "A buddy who served in the same outfit, or was with the deceased when he died, might leave a quarter" becoming "By leaving a quarter at the grave, you are telling the family that you were with the soldier when he was killed."

Despite the claim of this tradition's dating back to the days of the Roman Empire, there's no reason to suppose that it does. A coin might be placed in the mouth of a fallen Roman soldier (to get him across the River Styx), but his comrades wouldn't be leaving their money on his grave, but rather expending it on a funeral banquet in his honor.

Given the lack of evidence that anyone anywhere is following this 'tradition,' it is perhaps best regarded not as an actual practice, but instead as someone's idea of what should be.

Yet military folk do sometimes leave very special remembrances at the graves of deceased servicemen: challenge coins. These tokens identify their bearers as members of particular units and are prized and cherished by those to whom they have been given; thus any challenge coins found at gravesites were almost certainly left there by comrades-in-arms of the deceased.

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When I went to Arlington National Cemetery last September, 2013, not knowing about the background of this story, I left a quarter on the tombstone of David Joel Schultz, the kid who died next to me in my first firefight on April 4, 1968. I think the idea has a nice touch to it, leaving coins that is. Many, many times as I have walked the grounds of cemeteries, I have wonder if anyone has visited these men and women. Leaving a coin sends that message in my opinion. So, it's up to you to see whether this will begin a tradition, or remain a myth.

Memorial Day 2013

Growing old sure changes one's perspective. Turning back the clock of time to 1967 when I got drafted and realized suddenly the monumental  hill I was about to climb. The Vietnam War was full engaged and I avoided the thought of what might happen to me. My initial thought that I clung to took me to my core belief and my faith in God. HE was the one who would and could determine my destiny. Only God's protective angels shielding me from harms way would be the key to my returning home. I am only expressing my view here, and hope to not intrude on how you may see the world.

Reporting for duty and getting through all the training set everything in motion for the ultimate test of duty, courage and honor. My first firefight on April 4th, 1968 was only the beginning of my journey with my guardian angel. Yes, I do believe I had one. Five paces to my right that day when the shooting started, PFC David Schultz lay mortally wounded while I somehow was not hit.

From firefights and ambushes I watched as others paid the final price. I chose not to dwell on my fallen comrades and friends.  I keep my eyes looking forward, with the thought of just returning home. When that happened, like so many of us, we put all our memories, good and bad in a drawer in our minds and closed it tight.

Looking back now, I think I would have done things differently. I didn't keep track of any of my former veterans whom I served with. Not until the past 4-5 years did I develope a thirst to find them and find out what their lives turned out to be. At the same time, I reflected hard on the many who did not come home. Did their families find out what happened to their sons? Would it have helped it I had a chance to convey memories of their kid fighting in a war? What was thought of him? How did he die?

That sealed drawer in my mind is now open and I continue to dig around in it looking for information. The website is a part of that open drawer. I wish I could have said or done something for those buddies and friends I left behind. All I can do now, is honor their memory and pay tribute to them and their service. That shield that I wore to protect my mental state wouldn't shed a tear when they died. But today that has changed and I find myself getting emotional when I now look back at all that happened and to those men who's lives were lost.

 

Events vs music in the mind

Which of these two statements holds true with you. Do you remember a time or place because of something you saw, experienced, or felt and a word, picture or comment thrusts you back there OR do you wander back to a point in time because, as you were driving around, sitting at the house or watching TV, that song of the 60's or 70's comes on and suddenly, you find yourself sitting in that time machine and you are now experiencing an "out of body" moment?

What does Sitting on the Dock of the Bay, Hey Jude, Crimson and Clover, Eve of Destruction and others do for you?

I find myself at times between a rock and a hard place. War plays havoc on all of us, and there is no denying it. This day, I find myself wondering where I am in the greater skeem of things. Has all this reflection of the past, done through the creation of my website helped me in any way? Or like the farmer tilling the field thinking it will never end, I continue to relive all those moments to the point to where I find no excape. Should I be thinking about climbing on a chopper, sitting in a foxhole and hunkering down in a firefight in the middle the my pastor's sermon? When my mind is not occuppied by the activities of life, where do I find myself? I'm not sure. I don't believe I have problems. I'm a stable person with no anger issues. I don't mind crowds and people and I don't have a drinking or drug problem. I am well organized and was successful in my career. So, why is it that I can't sleep at night? Is two hours enough before I wake up and I start to toss and turn? What's normal anymore? I always thought I was, and maybe this still holds true and I am only second guessing how the mind works. Maybe.

Hero - Really?

I would venture to guess that retirement gives many people too much free time. That's not how I arrived at building a website dedicated to my Vietnam unit. The reasoning behind that is for another story. However, in putting together the website and in doing my own discovery of facts and issues, I could not help but wonder how some were singled out for recognition, whether for valor or for meritorous service? In discussing this topic at a rather high level (lacking in specific detail) with a friend of mine, it was stated that many officers who served in the lines were not schooled in the process of writing up nominations for citations, or maybe Battalion had the same issues in a lack of process or followup. But, not to get off track where I am going with this, I want to come back to the question of "what makes a hero?".

Receiving an award, any award for valor for that matter, puts you in a unique circle. You have been recognized for taking action to save others from a perilous situation with disregard for your own safety or life. Not many can make that claim. Many awards were handed out posthumously. I would suggest these were for those brief periods of time where reflection or thought never entered the mind, and men simply reacted to what needed to be done in their mind. That could have been "it's them or me" or if I don't do something right now "he will die" and therefore the choice was simple and you acted upon it. The hero, to me, was disregarding every single reason he could see before him about his own safety or others and acted unselfishly to try and save others and maybe himself in the end. Most combat veteran knew who had their back and who they could count on in battle. It was about saving a buddy, a friend, a fellow soldier.

NO ONE goes looking for medals of the valor variety unless they have a few loose bolts floating around in their heads or if someone is building their resume for their career's. If, in my mind, anyone that does that, has a motive, and is not worthy of wearing the award. Hero. Really?

Everyone who enlists in the military today, should be proud of the choice he/she made when they joined up. Everyone who has participated in any conflict/war deserves full recognition for their serve AND the sacrifices they have endoured. They are all patriots in my mind and if they served in combat, you can add brave as well. There is however, seperation in every war between serving and putting your life on the line. Lets be careful about calling everyone who serves a hero. Really!